Giving a friend dating advice

• Me: Make sure you don't do your usual shtick.
• Him: What's my usual shtick?
• Me: You know, you go out with the guy, and pretty soon you're treating him like a friend, he thinks that's where your head is at, and suddenly it's not a date anymore.
• Him: Okay, maybe I occasionally do that. How should I act, then?
• Me: Make it clear it's a date from the get-go. Tell him he looks good, maybe grab his hand when you two are walking.
• Him: Woah, woah. Grab his hand? That's a bit much.
• Me: Mounting him in the street is a bit much. Taking his fucking hand is not. Just be forward! You asked him out and it worked.
• Him: That's true. So what you're saying is I should act like a self-confident, arrogant bastard, and only then will I achieve the level regular folks are at?
• Me: That's exactly what I'm saying.

• A lecturer (who I know by face but not by name) was running around the building trying to get stuff done today (seriously sprinting fast), and he kept bumping into me and apologising. After the third time, I called out after him.
• Me: You run as if the very whip of your master was behind you.
• He came barrelling back down the stairs, took me by the shoulders, and said: Why are you in none of my classes?

• Me (to a good friend): You look like the love child of Tony Blair and Stephen Fry.
• Him: I'm sure I'm meant to be offended, but I'm too busy picturing Stephen Fry fucking Tony Blair.

Last Night:

• Him: You're holding me hostage! I need to go home!
• Me: I am not holding you hostage! Go, flee.
• Him: Damn you and your combination of good conversation and brownies.
• Me: Next time, I'll let you starve.
• Him: Don't you dare.

Last night, with a mate

• Him: Women. Honestly. Fucking women!
• Me: Oh, please. Can we talk about men for a second?
• Him: Women are so confusing! And annoying!
• Me: Men are idiots.
• Him: Women can be such bitches.
• Me: Men can be assholes.
• Him: Maybe I pick the wrong women.
• Me: You definitely pick the wrong women.
• Him: Maybe you pick the wrong men.
• Me: No, proportionately, there are more nice women than there are decent men.
• Him: Oh, please.
• Me: Well, you know.
• Him: Why are women never pleased? Why do they have to do everything through signals? What's wrong with just saying what you want?
• Me: Like you ever listen.
• Him: I listen!
• Me: Pfft, only when you want to. And when you don't, that same conversation is called a whinge or a moan.
• Him: Ugh. Women.
• Me: Men.
• Him: Want to watch a movie?
• Me: Yeah, all right then.